I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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