Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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