Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Your dad touched me again.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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