look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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