Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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