you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
