Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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