when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize