Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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