i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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