I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
