im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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