Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
