Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
