I think I died a long time ago.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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