In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
