3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
