just survived the first fart of the relationship.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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