True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
