yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
