A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
