what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
