I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
