Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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