I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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