just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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