apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
