I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
