6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
