for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
