The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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