im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
