Who wears a wallet chain?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
