You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
