Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
