Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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