just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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