I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
