If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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