I wish I could teleport
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
