I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like abortions should bother me more
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
