i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
