Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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