I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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