I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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