Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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