Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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