Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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