Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
