i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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